I have a friend who told me that he communicates with his child, but the child doesn't listen. I asked him how he communicated. He and I repeated a lot, well, this parent is all reasonable. And when you're being reasonable, you're feeling right and very controlling. That's not real communication.
First, parents and children common communication misunderstanding
Many parents in the communication with their children, like a misunderstanding, is to like to reason with their children. Being reasonable and communicating are two very different things. The most common misunderstanding of parents: in addition to beating, scolding, yelling, accusing, attacking, these are aggressive energy, certainly not communication, belongs to violent communication. In addition to this, there is one of the most common communication misconceptions: parents love to reason with their children.
We always say it's no use trying to reason with children. So why is that?
A lot of reasoning is in the head, what I think. But actually, you'll find that Chinese language has a lot to do with body language. For example, we talk about experiences, we talk about experiences, do we think about our experiences and experiences through our heads? If you think it out of your head, you should say you want to test it. Through the body to learn, through the body to experience, if you think about it, in fact, there is a lot of traditional culture tells us to use the body, not the mind.
When parents and children reason, we are thinking in the head, and the child's brain, has not developed too well. The center of the brain responsible for reason is called the prefrontal lobe, which is behind our foreheads. This area of the brain starts to develop around the age of 12 or 13 in adolescence and doesn't really mature until the age of 25. That's why adult education after age 25 requires a lot of sense. If you look at kids under the age of 12, a lot of times, that's not clear. Therefore, the younger the child, if we use language to communicate, we go to reason, in fact, the effect is not good. Some parents think children what you deserve things have what good bitter, have what good angry, have what good afraid of, parents deny children's instinctive emotional with truth, children's anger, emotion, sadness, all be parents use reason to deny, even will bring children emotional damage, a sense of security.
Second, the right way of communication
First of all, ask yourself, when you are communicating with your child, where is your focus? Is your focus on the child, looking at him and feeling him, or yourself? When you speak, is the starting point of the speech in your brain or your heart, or your stomach, where is the origin of your speech? Do you change your tone and volume when things happen? What is the usual tone and volume? When you talk to your child, do you look him in the eye?
- Nonverbal communication is the most important mode of communication for children
So when the child can not express language, language expression is not so well developed, also can not understand the reason, the most powerful communication of parents, in fact, non-verbal communication. If you look at how children communicate with each other, how animals communicate with each other, they don't have a lot of language, they don't have a lot of advanced human language, so a lot of their communication is body language communication. This is the mother tongue of the child. What is specific nonverbal communication? For example, look, do we look at someone when we're talking to them, what's the tone of voice. There is a very interesting study, talking about tone, which compares what mothers say to their children in different countries. If the mother gently says to the child, "Yes, yes, yes", but if the child does something dangerous, the mother says to the child, "Stop, don't do it, don't go over and don't touch that thing!" But at that time, such a small child (baby), they do not understand the meaning of stop, so what did the mother say to make the child understand? It was that tone. The kid felt it. Because in every country, in every language, the child finds the mother's permission, is very gentle tone, when asking the child not to touch dangerous things, is very strong tone. So tone is one of the children's non-language. The volume at which you speak, whether it is loud or small, whether it is soft or growling, the position of your body when you speak, the position relative to the child, where you are, where the child is, whether there is physical contact between you and the child, etc., these are what we call non-verbal signals.
- Use nonviolent communication
Child: I don't feel like going to bed now
Parent: But you must go to bed now. It's bedtime.
Child: But I'm not sleepy yet.
Parent: But if you don't go to bed now, you'll be sleepy in the morning.
Child: No, I won't.
Parent: Yes, you will.
Child: No, I won't.
This argument is not familiar, has not happened in your home. But the argument frustrates the child, who feels that his feelings are not being heard. Parents also felt that their children were not hearing their pleas for their children to go to bed at a certain time. Without understanding and respecting each other's needs, conflict is likely to continue.
If parents can listen to their children's needs with respect before expressing their own needs, they are likely to gain a deeper connection and mutual understanding, and the possibility of cooperation will be greater. Refer to the following example:
Child: I don't feel like going to bed now.
Parent :(trying to gauge the child's feelings and needs) are you enjoying yourself and would like to continue?
Child: No, I'm not.
Parent: So you want to wait until you're tired before going to bed?
Parent: Is there any other reason?
Parent: Can I tell you why I want you to go to bed now?
Child: All right.
Parent: I want you to have a good rest so that you can get up in time for school tomorrow morning. I've found that if you don't rest past nine o 'clock on weeknights, you'll be tired in the morning. Do you understand what I want?
Child: You want me to have a good rest and get up at the same time in the morning.
Parent: Yes. Thank you for listening.
When parents and children listen to each other in this way, there is an exchange of energy and an automatic empathy that makes both willing to find a way to meet each other's needs. In this case, perhaps the child would prefer to go to bed quickly, or the parent would prefer to set a time when the child would be allowed to play quietly for a while before lights out.