Talking about the problem of communicating with children, many parents will think, what is the technique? Isn't it just talking to kids? I communicate with my child every day, when I send him to school, when I eat, when I study.... I always tell children a lot. I remember the mother of a 16-year-old boy said, "I want to talk to my kid every day, but he doesn't want to talk to me, so I have to talk to him every day before school, but he doesn't seem to like it." The mother said her child was willing to talk to her about his study when first started school, but gradually he unilaterally refused to communicate with her.
When I communicated with the mother, I found that her words conveyed a slow anxiety and inappropriate words, punctuated by the words: "I am saying this for his good!" "I asked him to study hard and improve his ranking in order to be able to study more smoothly in the future......" "What if he doesn't eat properly and gets hungry?" ... When you see these words, do you feel very familiar with them? When we usually communicate with children, we often think of something and pass it directly to the children, and do not think it is anything wrong. The mother is forcing her own ideas on the child, so the child will resent it.
Often listen to a lot of parents complain: now the child is really very disobedient. Parents are annoyed by their children, and children hate their parents.
Parents' inner concerns and the rapid tone, so that the conversation does not pay attention to methods and effects but only emotional catharsis, so it is easy to make the listener rejected, reverse psychology, communication was blocked. Respect and trust are the preconditions of communication, and communication can only be conducted and completed on this basis. This basis means that the two sides of communication are equal, which means that they can accept each other, so that effective communication can be carried out.
What is effective communication? Effective communication is mostly applied in enterprise management, which is also a necessary quality requirement for managers. For our parents, children's education and life management is our communication goal, and effective communication is one of the necessary qualities. Poor communication, there will be communication barriers, resulting in misunderstanding and misinterpretation, effective communication is the children and parents both language and emotional communication bridge, help you to solve the problem conflict, easy to achieve the goal way.
Before talking about how parents and children communicate effectively, I would like to tell you a story. One day, the famous American host Linklater visited a child and asked him: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The child answered innocently: "Well... I want to be the pilot of the plane!" Linklater then asked, "What would you do if one day your plane flew over the Pacific Ocean and all the engines died?" The child thought: "I will tell the people sitting on the plane to tie the safety belt, and then I hang up my parachute jump out." As the audience chuckled, Linklater continued to watch the boy to see if he was a smart-aleck. Unexpectedly, then the boy's eyes burst into tears, so Linklater asked him: "Why do you do this?" The CHILD'S ANSWER REVEALS a child's sincere thought: "I want to get fuel, I want to come back!!" The audience, who had just been laughing, were silent at this time, because they really understood the children's words. When you hear someone talking... Do you really understand what he's saying? Do you understand? If you do not understand, please listen to the person finish, this is the "art of listening" . After you read this story, will be able to understand and communicate effectively the first skill: listening goodwill.
Do you sincere communication, and will be good at standing in the child's point of view and express effectively, not only including understanding the child's situation, state of mind, including maintenance of the child's self-esteem at the same time, strengthen children's self-confidence, to children, please tell your true feelings.
During the listening period, both sides should face each other, listen to each other, look focused. Don't look around, don't have some unnecessary small actions, don't be careless, don't chatter in the child when talking, snarky comments, these are not good listening performance, a real communication master is a keen listener. Good at listening, is the most basic quality of parents to their children. If you can understand the meaning of his words when listening to children, and can understand, and can feel the children's thoughts and respond, that you have mastered the key to listen, then the communication with children will be more effective.
The second tip of effective communication: Good Emotions.
As a parent in communication should avoid using too strong words as much as possible. Don't communicate when you are angry. Some parents can't control themselves because they are angry. It is easy to say no matter what, and say a lot of words that hurt their children's hearts. Parents can't educate their children when they are in a bad mood. At this time of "communication", often parents vent their emotions, but give the child back the mental burden. If you often say, "You make me sad"; "You broke my heart"; "You drive me crazy." This can lead to a feeling of blame, which can easily turn the child off and may lead to a retort: "You're the one who needs to be angry," or "It's not my business if you're upset." If you are not responsible for your own emotional reactions, do not blame your child at this time, because you are not in a good state to communicate.
Parents' language, always express the parents' emotions, mentality. Young children, though less able to understand language than adults, are very sensitive to emotions. Even the baby in swaddling clothes, can not understand the mother's words, but when the mother speaks is full of patient care, or very impatient tired, little babies can understand. If Dad brings feelings of injustice at work into the language; If the mother brings into the language the exhaustion of the family or the dissatisfaction with the spouse; Keeping a good attitude is the most important lesson for a good parent.
The third most effective communication skills: accurate expression.
Adult face children completely in accordance with their own language habits so expressed, it is difficult to ensure effective communication. The child did not understand, naturally there is no educational effect at all. Therefore, when parents speak, they must take their children's age and understanding into account.
Let me share with you a small example to give you a sense of how important accurate language is. Jim's mother said to him: "You can be really lazy, what is your learning attitude?" . So SAY SMALL STRONG MEETING TO BE PUZZLED, in the HEART RETURN MEETING MAKE A murmur: I AGAIN MAKE WHAT MISTAKE? But if the mother in a different way to express: "Jim, the last three days, you have three consecutive homework written at 10, can you say why?" So you want to express the meaning is specific clear, Jim know is to talk about what matter, know you need to communicate with him is the reason for writing homework slowly. Similarly, if you want to praise your child by saying, "Jim, your study is great!" . If you praise Jim in such a way, he'll go OFF THE DEEP end. But if you say something like, "Jim, mom was very pleased with your homework yesterday. It saved an hour." In this way, Jim's feeling is different. He can clearly know the importance of learning methods to himself, and he also knows to find a better way to learn and grow himself.
Parents usually speak to their children, the more accurate the language, the better. This can not only greatly improve the effectiveness of parent-child communication, to ensure that children understand the meaning of their parents. Moreover, it is also a good training for children's language ability and thinking ability. What you say is important, but the same content, said in different ways, can have a completely different effect.
Even adults can feel this way, let alone young children, who have no ability to analyze the good intentions of their parents. If parents pay attention to their own language style, the education effect may be very different. If you want to see the result of something, you have to express the result you want to the other person. Let's say you want your child to do the dishes for you. If you say, "You're going to wash the dishes for me," that command is always uncomfortable and resistant. Change the same meaning into a clever expression: "I'd be happy if someone would help me with the dishes" and it feels completely different. So, if you ask someone to do something directly, you'll usually get a no. But if you state clearly what you want the outcome to be, the other person will know what to do and will be willing to do it. This method is not only suitable for parent-child communication, but also for good expression between husband and wife. We can also use reverse expression and reverse thinking to express ourselves: for example, if you ask your child, "Haven't you finished your homework yet?" ", he would say "No, not even close!!" This is not what you want. But in reverse or reverse thinking, say, "Have you done all your homework?" . Then the child will also give you a clear answer, how much have I finished, how much do I still have to finish.
To be a resilient communicator, parents should avoid the use of "but", such words in the conversation. It's easy to follow "I see what you mean" with a "but". By using these words, you give your child the impression that you think his views are "wrong" in your eyes, or that you are not paying attention to the issues he is talking about. For example, if you say, "Mom thinks what you say makes sense, but..." ", which sounds like "What you're saying doesn't make sense." How about replacing "but" with "also" by saying, "Mom thinks what you're saying makes sense, and I have a great idea here. Why don't we discuss it?" . Does that make it sound better to you? Different ways of speaking can achieve different communication effects. This is the art and skill of speaking, we as parents should first learn this effective way of language expression, so that children can feel relaxed and happy to communicate with their parents, instead of dissatisfaction or resistance.
The fifth skill of effective communication: Sincere praise.
The weakness of human nature is like criticize, but hate criticized; Like to be praised, but don't like to praise; If we give each other our kind eyes, the indifference will disappear.
Let me tell you another story: there are two hunters A and B, one day they both shot two hares home. The wife of A said coldly: "Only two?" . A reply: "Do you think it is easy to hit?" . The next day A went hunting as usual, but this time he deliberately empty-handed home, let his wife feel hunting is not easy thing. The opposite is true for B. B's wife saw bring back two rabbits, surprised to say: "WOW, you actually hit two?" ", B listened to the heart exultation, complacently say: "I can get more" . The next day, B also went hunting as usual, but this time B brought back four rabbits. This story gives us a revelation: parents with a cold face and a lack of enthusiasm mouth is the most disappointing children, he will hurt the children's enthusiasm. And sincere praise from the heart, but can bring happiness to children, will improve children's learning enthusiasm.
When the child does well, the parents will habitually praise: "Baby you are so good!" So children listen to a lot of such heartless praise, in fact, there is no educational significance. If Jim and Lily are fighting for a toy, and Jim sees Lily crying and gives her the toy, you can't comfort the child by saying "you are so good".
Try: Baby, you are able to share toys with your sister, you are considerate of others, and you are a good brother (specifically, it is more sincere to praise your child's qualities and let him know what he is being praised for).
A good compliment starts with the details that show that you've paid attention, care, and truly paid attention to the child. Therefore, mom and dad should put more intentions and sincerity in the praise of their children. Those are the five techniques I'm going to teach you today. Hope in life parents cleverly to use, good and effective communication with children, so that our children whether at a young age, or after entering adolescence can be willing to communicate with us, put their own heart to you to speak out, grow into a mental health, learning excellent children!