What was it like seeing the remains of a loved one for the first time?

He has been a surgeon for 6 years and a forensic doctor for 11 years. No one should suspect that I am used to seeing all kinds of corpses. I admit that part of the remains in a traffic accident can only be shoveled up with a shovel, or if the bodies floating in the river in the summer are corrupted to a giant view, I feel a little vomiting, but I just thought about it. I didn’t really vomit. . Moreover, no matter what the meaning of a corpse is in the eyes of others, to a forensic doctor, it is only a piece of evidence, and it is not a human evidence, but a physical evidence. If you don’t believe me, ask anyone who studies law to see if my classification is wrong.

However, there are exceptions to everything, and the only exception I made was to my own relatives. His father was diagnosed with liver cancer in 2006. I know exactly what this means. The average survival time of six months. I know that all my efforts are in vain. I still found him a first-class surgeon in Asia. When his ascites pressure was severely painful, I also used 4 or 5 intravenous injections of albumin a day. If he could get better , Even if it’s a little better, I’ll take him out for a walk. I’m very grateful to God for miraculously giving us more than half a year of calm. During that half of the year, my father was like a okay person, so we often go to places we haven’t been to. I am very happy with what I have eaten, and he is also very happy.

However, things that cannot be avoided will ultimately not be escaped by you. When I went home on November 2008, I found that my father had pre-coma manifestations of hepatic encephalopathy. Since my father fell ill, I hated me for studying medicine countless times. I was actually completely powerless to deal with my father’s condition. Perhaps the only effect my medical knowledge can play is to predict the development of my father’s condition, thereby doubling my pain. : The first time I foresee his pain will happen, I previewed his pain before his pain really appeared, and the second time was when his pain really came, I would treat him I can always make the clearest judgments of pain, so that I can empathize with his pain. Perhaps this time is an exception. I was thinking that night. I am well aware of the four major complications that lead to death in patients with advanced liver cancer: hemorrhage in the digestive tract, rupture of liver cancer nodules, liver coma, and severe infections.

If I really can't keep him alive, maybe I can help him choose a path of death with the least pain, not to mention the opportunity is right in front of him, and the pain should not exist if he is really unconscious. I wandered in the corridor of the hospital all night. I never stopped observing my father's condition that night. So when I talked to the doctor the next day and signed to give up the treatment, I knew very well that my father had gone from hepatic encephalopathy to the precoma period, and within a few hours, he quickly passed the coma period and entered the coma period. I was very relieved. I believe the pain has passed for him at this time. Moreover, there is another discovery that I did not tell the doctor that my father now has 2-3 premature beats per minute. I believe that it is an arrhythmia caused by electrolyte imbalance. Maybe he can't wait for hepatic encephalopathy to take his life. With the inevitable heartbeat and arrest, everything can be over quietly and without pain. What I didn't know was that the pain was over for him, and the torture had just begun for me. Father's health is very good. I mean, except for liver cancer, all other parts of his body are healthy. Even because he swims two kilometers a day, he maintains his body shape very well. I mean that before the appearance of ascites, the large amount of ascites now makes his abdomen more distended than pregnant women. The unbearable pain caused him to toss and turn all night. The cause of sleeplessness.

Of course I want to release the ascites, I really want to, but I can’t, because even if it is released, it will refill within a few hours. At this time, his blood vessels are no different from the leaking sieve, and the ascites is nothing more than it. There is no big difference between its composition and plasma. Who can afford to lose thousands of milliliters of plasma every day? So my father's heartbeat kept beating for a whole week under the state of hepatic coma and premature beats. For me, what kind of week, what kind of 168 hours, what kind of 10080 minutes, and what kind of 604800 seconds... Every second I am questioning myself, I am not sure that I am right, I I wonder if I was too cruel. Maybe the miracle will happen again. He can hold on for a longer time. I know very well that my father was actually starved to death by me. I killed my father. I always pay attention to his pulse, and every time his premature beats appear, my heart can stop beating at the same time: I am praying for it to stop, let everything end, and all pain will pass, but in my heart, There is always another voice yelling, hold on, Dad, a miracle always appears in the last effort to hold on.

So it’s no surprise that I was the first to find that my father’s heart stopped beating. I didn't cry. When the intern came to do the ECG and found that there was an irregular curve, I actually wanted to get angry. As expected, when his instructor came and found that the irregular curve was caused by poor contact between the wires and the skin. I even refused the doctor to do meaningless chest compressions, although it was me who wanted to do chest compressions the most. I asked the doctor for a bucket and a needle with a rubber tube. I know that now I can finally release the ascites, it is them, these ascites made my father so painful. Then, I took out the shirts and suits I had prepared. I knew that the father, who had let go of the ascites and was no longer out of shape, should be very energetic to put them on. I also know that if you want to put your suit on neatly, so that there are no messy creases, the ideal way is to turn the deceased over, face down and cut your hands back, and then cut the two Sleeves are put in at the same time: that is the best way to dress the deceased, especially after the body starts to become stiff.

I sat on the bed, face to face with my father, and then put my arms around my father's waist, and hugged him and sat up, just like two lovers cuddling each other in love. Father's body temperature continued, but his heart stopped beating. He hadn't shaved for a week, and his beard stabbed a little bit on my face. I let his head rest on my right shoulder, as if he had not died yet, just rested on my shoulders, my chest and his chest were pressed together, I felt the remaining warmth of his body, slowly Pass it to me slowly. I did not cry, but the tears were silently falling. I said in my heart, Father, I am the continuation of your life.

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